you don't have to, but you do.

In his wisdom, God has crafted a life for us that does not careen from huge, consequential moment to huge, consequential moment. In fact, if you examine your life, you will see that you have actually had few of those moments. You can probably name only two or three life-changing situations you have lived through.

We are all the same; the character and quality of our life is forged in little moments . . . You are daily on the job adding another layer of bricks that will determine the shape of your marriage for days, weeks, and years to come.

-What Did You Expect? by Paul Tripp

If so, the question is how to build those bricks up solid. How do we use our little moments to construct something beautiful, instead of a rickety eyesore?

I think our motive makes all the difference. We could be motivated by anger and selfishness, or a grudging sense of duty. Or we could be motivated by love. Love makes us say, "I don't have to do this for you. But I will, because it is my joy to give you joy." And love creates an atmosphere that we can come home to.

Newly Married by William A. Breakspeare

Jared and I will celebrate our fourth anniversary this week. That's four years of inconsequential moments. Four years of ironing shirts exactly the way he likes them, of packing his lunches in the right container so they microwave evenly. Four years of rubbing my shoulders after I've had a bad day, of filling the gas tank on his way home so I don't need to worry about it the next morning. Four years of doing these things because we wanted to do them.

We didn't have to. But since we loved, we did.

Not always of course. Some days I only wash his clothes because it's my job. I'm sure he has felt the same. Certainly, when it's really hard-- when we're angry and hurt and don't want reconciliation-- it's not a loving feeling but duty that pulls us back together. We made a commitment and our covenant is our bedrock.

Yet over that bedrock, I think that our marriage has flourished through willing love, not cold "responsibility." Here's to four more years of that. And four more after, and four more once again, and four more till death parts us.

We don't have to. But since we love, we will.

Duty makes us do things well, but love makes us do them beautifully.
-Phillips Brooks

prepare ye the way

This morning I read most of the first chapter of Luke; his account of the Nativity is my favorite, and so I'm going back through it these few days before Christmas.

Having grown up in the church and read the Gospels many times over, I'm quite familiar with the details of this narrative. But because it is God's word, of course-- because the Spirit makes it living and active-- it comes into my heart differently every time around.

Today I especially noticed the sense of preparation throughout the chapter. Everyone is busy getting ready. Every single event lines up and links together for the unfolding of this great Providence.

- Gabriel's announcement prepares Zechariah and Elizabeth for John's birth.

- John is destined to prepare a people for God.

- Another visit from Gabriel prepares Mary for her own child, and she herself prepares her heart to bear the Son of God.

- The two women prepare together for their babies' arrival, a pair of arrivals that will change the world forever.

And what I thought today, as I read, was that God is always doing this. Always weaving the world into His plan, either fulfilling His promises, or directly preparing to do so. Though we do not see this pattern fully, we can have absolute faith that it exists and that each moment of our lives is used in it. Nothing hangs free of His order.

As Elizabeth told her young cousin, "Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord."

Weekend linkage // 7QT #17

Linked up with Conversion Diary.

1)

We are all Christmas'd up in here. Tree decorated, Nativity set, wreath on the door, candles-- even snow! And half the presents are wrapped already! I'm one of the die-hards who refuse to turn on the holiday music before December 1st. Now, however, you'll hear it quite a lot. :) We have been especially enjoying Phil Wickham's Christmas album.

2)
 
Ancient city discovered underwater.

3)

Wait But Why tells you how to name your baby. Haha. I am definitely in Category #1. Jared leans toward Category #3, but I lured him over to my side this time 'round.

4)

If you had to take the American Citizenship test, would you pass?

5)

Three thoughtful pieces for when you have time to read. First, "A Non-Religious Case Against Same-Sex Marriage" by Michael Bauman (who is incidentally a prof at Hillsdale GO CHARGERS).

Second, "Kitsch and the Kitchen Sink: Andrew Wyeth and Thomas Kinkade" by Dwight Longenecker.

Third, "On Football, Warrior Culture, and Manhood" by Owen Strachan.

6)

Is the "new and improved" Obamacare really any better? Nope. "Someday, when it comes to the rollout of Obamacare, I will assume that things cannot possibly get worse, and blessedly, I will be right."

a bowl of breakfast. or snack. or whatever.

We have a lot of granola recipes floating around the blog, but this is the most straightforward. It is crunchy, delicious, fairly low in sugar, and high in good fats. Also, if you need to avoid gluten, soy, or dairy . . . voila.

I kind of eat a lot of this.

Because I don't chop up the almonds and like to use large pieces of coconut, the granola ends up with a nice hearty texture. You can stir in some golden raisins or dried cranberries once it cools. I usually keep it simple.

---

Simple Honey Granola
(a spin on this recipe from Shutterbean)

6 cups rolled oats
1 cup unsweetened coconut flakes or chips
1 cup whole almonds
1 cup roughly chopped walnuts*
1 teaspoon cinnamon
scant 1/2 teaspoon sea salt
2/3 cup melted coconut oil
2/3 cup honey

1) Preheat oven to 350 degrees and line a large baking sheet with parchment paper.
2) Stir together oats, coconut, almonds, walnuts, cinnamon, and salt in large mixing bowl. Add coconut oil and honey, and stir to coat.
3) Spread granola evenly on prepared baking sheet, and bake in preheated oven for 15 minutes; stir gently, then return to oven and bake 10 more minutes, until golden on top. Watch carefully the last five minutes to make sure it does not burn.
4) Let cool and store in airtight container. (This makes quite a bit so I freeze some of it for later.)

*Or chopped pecans or cashews or heck, even plain pumpkin seeds, which are what ended up in the pictured batch.

the right kind of sheltered

We all like to laugh about "sheltered homeschoolers," and homeschoolers probably laugh hardest. Nothing beats a little self-deprecation.

Though a child of the nineties, I never heard "Hit Me Baby One More Time" before my freshman year in college. And I still can't differentiate between 'N Sync and The Backstreet Boys. Truly a homeschooled innocent par excellence (or maybe not: I could pick Luke Skywalker out of a police lineup).

Sure, my cultural ignorance set me up for teasing. But it was worth it. I don't regret "missing out" on the slop served up by Seventeen. More time to read Shakespeare! Not that he's so squeaky clean himself . . . codpieces, anyone?

Emmie and Her Child, Mary Cassatt

Now, although my daughter is only eight months, I spend a lot of time thinking about what she hears and sees. I wonder what I will try to protect her from. And remembering my own experience, well, I don't care if she knows who is topping the charts or if she is "ignorant" about the antics of her generation's starlets.

That kind of sheltering's fine by me.

I do want Ellie to know, though, about the truly important things in the world. We sponsor three children through Covenant Mercies, and I want her to understand why they need help. She needs to realize that many people in Ethiopia, Uganda, and Zambia go hungry. They don't get education or medicine, and they may never hear the Good News.

We will do our best to protect Ellie from experiencing the filth floating around her. Shield her from reality, though? From knowing that the filth exists? No. Creation groans as it waits for deliverance. We won't pretend otherwise. We will hold her hand and introduce life to her slowly, but ultimately we want Ellie to grow up into a woman. Not a girl, but a woman, who can face the dark world without being thrown-- one who has a backbone and a solid anchor in Christ.

forget the ducks. at least for a while.

I love to understand. You might say that I'm obsessive about it.

This girl can't just do things; oh no, I need to know the why and wherefore, preferably with footnotes. Are there reasons? I must find them. Are there quandaries? I must solve them. Should my mental ducks wander out of their row, I bustle about shooing them back into line, and can't sleep until they are quacking in an orderly fashion once more.

image credit: Blossom's Mom

In fact, I approach most of life on such a cerebral slant that I tend to reduce even God to a mere concept: I forget that He is a person. I forget that He invites me into His family.

Huzzah theology! Seriously, it's great stuff. But when the Lord of Hosts figures more as philosophical category than dear Father, something has gone awry. Amid all my study, I want to remember that I won't be spending eternity diagramming the finer points of God's sovereignty, but rather, gazing enraptured into His glory. He is so compassionate and kind. He wants me to rest in His goodness.

So I love this reminder from John Piper's superb book The Pleasures of God. It reminds me that my anxiety over my "ducks" is nothing compared to God's love for me, and that I don't have to line them up in order to enjoy His gifts.

Something hinders the release of wonder. Something confines our affections . . .

Oh, how complex are the obstructions of belief! The way our parents treated us, the cultic curiosities of a grandmother, the deadening force of poverty or wealth, the anesthesia of televised worldliness, the boredom of trivial business, the wilderness of lonely wedlock, the heartbreak of wayward kids, the never-ending ache of arthritic joints, the memories of lovelessness and fragile hope-- how many ways the enemy of our souls can make us fear that the God and Father of Jesus Christ is too good to be true.

But Jesus will not sit by and let us disbelieve without a fight. He takes up the weapon of the Word and speaks it with power for all who struggle to believe: "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's pleasure to give you the kingdom."

but I have calmed and quieted my soul

Mother and Child, Mary Cassatt

My daughter wants to be with me almost constantly. If she feels out of sorts, comfort only comes from Mama, and she'll raise a ruckus until I come to her rescue. When she's nursing she grabs my shirt and stares up at my face, as if she's making sure that I won't disappear. She needs her mother and is not ashamed to admit it; she loves to look at me, touch me, and smile back at me.

How might my life look if I'd cling to God as tightly as Ellie clings to me?

Life wouldn't look much different, I imagine, as I'd still be going about my daily tasks. But I would be different as I did those things.

If I was that desperate to see God's face . . . if I cried out to Him whenever I felt confused or stressed or afraid . . . if I would, spiritually speaking, regularly climb into His arms and relinquish my burdens?

I think that peace and joy would suffuse my soul anew. While ironing or sweeping or grading papers or trimming my daughter's fingernails, His peace and joy would wrap about my busy mind and give me a hopeful song to sing. I do experience those qualities even now. I just want more. I desire to "pray without ceasing," so that my everyday would be shot through with His presence. That means ceasing to pretend that I have my act together, and admitting that yes, Lord, I need you now and always.

The best part of all this is that I don't need to find a revolutionary new way to experience God. He abides with me already. May my eyes be open and my hand closed tight around His finger . . . as Ellie's is around mine.

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;

my eyes are not raised too high;

I do not occupy myself with things

too great and too marvelous for me.

But I have calmed and quieted my soul,

like a weaned child with its mother . . .

 

O Israel, hope in the Lord

from this time forth and forevermore.

-Psalm 131

Weekend linkage // 7QT #14

Linked up with Conversion Diary.

1)

J: So that's my idea. Does its logic seem unassailable to you?
Me: Honey, determining the quality of logic is not my strong point.
J: Oh, fine. Does that idea feel good to you?

2)

Ellie figured out how to sit up on her own, and she is also having a lot of fun on her play mat: wiggling in circles on her belly, rolling back and forth, sticking her big diapered bottom up in the air in an attempt to crawl. It's very funny and cute.

It also makes me realize just how much she has grown. Not physically (she's still a shrimp) so much as in her ability-- only seven and a half months ago, she was a sleepy little lump who barely knew how to nurse. Now look at her! Even her voice has changed and sounds "older." I am amazed at how quickly her personality is unfolding, and how much fun she brings to our home.

3)

I adore Improv Everywhere. Carousel races in the park!

4)

Also to make you laugh, animals trying to fit in small spaces.

5)

The 12 most annoying email habits. I don't find some of these as irritating as the author does (some are more applicable to business email than to personal) but for the most part, please, everybody read and apply . . .

6)

I want to live here.

7)

Rambling, history-packed, fascinating article on the dehumanization of public figures, specifically those who occupy a throne: "Royal Bodies." Just a couple of excerpts for you.

A few years ago I saw the Prince of Wales at a public award ceremony. I had never seen him before, and at once I thought: what a beautiful suit! What sublime tailoring! It’s for Shakespeare to penetrate the heart of a prince, and for me to study his cuff buttons. I found it hard to see the man inside the clothes . . . I couldn’t help winding the fabric back onto the bolt and pricing him by the yard.

Popular fiction about the Tudors has also been a form of moral teaching about women’s lives, though what is taught varies with moral fashion. It used to be that Anne Boleyn was a man-stealer who got paid out. Often, now, the lesson is that if Katherine of Aragon had been a bit more foxy, she could have hung on to her husband. Anne as opportunist and sexual predator finds herself recruited to the cause of feminism.

ahoy, discoveries! vol. 13 [staying warm edition]

Shared on Simple Lives Thursday.

Do you enjoy shivering? No? Neither do I. Here area a few of my favorite ways to keep the chill off.

1) Blankets: very important for cuddling. Currently adorning our living room furniture are this fluffy striped one from West Elm and a slightly heavier but very soft one from Target. The Target blanket is big enough for two. :)

2) Little Mouse also has a thick Pottery Barn stroller blanket that keeps her toasty on walks or on the trip from house to car.

3) Eddie Bauer makes perfect down vests; I admit that I've collected more than my fair share over the years. They are obviously warm and well-made, but they also have a nice tailored shape, so you don't look like a walking marshmallow.

4) I own far too many pashmina scarves. I say "too many" because I have nowhere to conveniently store them all, and I only wear a few on a regular basis anyway. My long-standing favorite is from La Purse: the walnut color matches all of my other clothes and the fabric is lovely.

5) Hats! I lurve this one from LL Bean. Its fleece lining really does keep the wind out. Ellie has a striped cap from Under the Nile-- it's soft and stretchy, and I appreciate that it's more substantial than your typical uber-thin jobbers.

6) How about feet? I don't wear slippers, preferring a good pair of warm socks and some wonderfully clunky Danskos. Old lady chic, thank you. My brother brought me wool socks from Ireland when he was across the pond, but if you're not so fortunate as to have a globe-trotting relative these from LL Bean look toasty.

7) I've sung their praises before, but I'll do it again: HALO fleece sleep sacks are perfect for wiggly babies. Ellie would escape from a blanket (or worse, pull it over her head) but she can't Houdini her way out of these.

8) You also want something to warm your insides. Okay, there's always Johnnie Walker . . . but for everyday use how about some delicious Kenyan coffee?

Weekend linkage // 7QT #12

Linked up with Conversion Diary.

1)

"You are my favorite hedgehog."
-J gets his flattery on

2)

Ellie is really into growling and roaring. The other night I put her to bed and she grrrrrr'd at the sheets for about fifteen minutes before falling asleep. A fierce one, this child.

Her favorite toys at the moment are a pith-helmeted Duplo man, the zipper on Mama's sweatshirt, and vitamin bottles (they rattle!).

3)

Fascinating story: the most honored photograph in US military history.


4)

"Strike a Pose": good thoughts from a friend of mine on social media "self-portraits" and the importance of examining our motivations.

5)

Now it's time for funny things!

Putting pop lyrics to classical melodies.

Proof that Plato was really Dumbledore . . . or vice versa.

IKEA or Death, the game that tests your knowledge of IKEA product names and black metal bands. I only scored 12/20, so come on, surely you can beat that.

What would happen if slogan writers were honest. ("Kmart: We Still Exist.")

6)

I've come across several nice Tumblrs in my search for a new Firefox home page: Inspired, Hello Pretty Things, Life Is Beautiful, Grey and Scout, Scattered as My Mother's Pearls, and-- the current winner-- You Make Beautiful Things. I enjoy seeing "beautiful" when I open up the computer.

(What is your home page and why did you choose it?)

7)

Now I leave you with the eternal question, courtesy of Smithsonian. Why were medieval knights always fighting snails?

Weekend linkage // 7QT #11

Linked up with Conversion Diary . . . well, actually Clan Donaldson today.

1)

"If you were an animal you would be a puffer fish wildly flapping its fins."
-well, husband, that's because you keep tickling me

2)

Between BB's and Cherry Hill, I bought 150 pounds of apples this week. When perfectly good "seconds" are going for .45/lb, one must stock up. Little Mouse likes to nibble on half an apple while I can sauce or freeze slices.

Edit: I got at least 36 quarts of sauce, several crisps, and at least 8 quarts of sliced, quartered apples for baking and smoothies.

3)

This is really funny (but some non-child-friendly language, so please be warned): The Primate Awards. I need a pygmy marmot, stat.

4)

Time for videos of people being awesome! Sweet tap dancing and magical costume changes.

5)

What does each country lead the world in?

6)

Why are we so afraid of large families? "Who, knowing anything about human flourishing throughout history, would think that it’s impossible to be a good parent to six kids? Since when did having kids become something that Americans irrationally fear and loathe?"

7)

And I wrote two more guest posts! Our love story, part 1 and part 2.

Weekend linkage // 7QT #10

Linked up with Conversion Diary.

1)

"You know, you're allowed to think about happy things sometimes."
-Jared after yet another wifely meltdown over a theoretical disaster

2)

What Ellie lacks in size she makes up for in volume. She's essentially a baby foghorn.

And she's so cute I can't STAND it.

3)

They say this might be the world's most romantic proposal. Eh, it's fun to watch . . . but I liked just having me and Jared. I am a private person in some ways (despite having a blog).

4)

Ooh, interesting: perimortem C-sections may not only save babies, but when done quickly, increase maternal survival rates as well.

5)

Nothing like a good insult to liven up your day. Twenty-one disparaging remarks by classical composers about their unfortunate peers. "I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music."

6)

Because I know you have nothing better to do: I wrote a guest post for The Mirror.

7)

Ah, excellent: seventeen overly optimistic book titles. Didn't you want to know how to find uranium?

the quotable princess bride #6

The Reading by Renoir

"I am not a planner. I follow. Tell me what to do and no man does it better. But my mind is like fine wine; it travels badly. I go from thought to thought but not with logic, and I forget things, and help me, Fezzik, what am I to do?"

I feel you, Inigo.

I like to tell myself that I'm smart and I have bright ideas, but truthfully I don't have many ideas at all (or if I do, they only come after long and laborious cogitation). In college, I got top grades on my writing the themes were never particularly brilliant. I had just developed a knack for making mediocre ideas sound impressive-- that's what vocabulary and syntax can do for you, kids.

So I love it when other people give me suggestions and I can run with them. That's where I excel: helping to execute somebody else's idea!

And no, logic does not make a regular appearance in my brain. Sometimes I try to explain my thoughts and they just jumble around until I don't even understand them myself. Fezzik, what am I to do?

I plan to make logic a cornerstone of my children's homeschool curriculum. Sort of for their sakes, but mostly for mine. (This is also the reason we will be studying Asian history: I don't know a single thing about it!)

ahoy, discoveries! vol. 12 [the first six months edition]

Put the Baby In It

After Ellie graduated from her bouncy seat, she learned how much fun one can have jumping. I always put Trumpette socks on her so she doesn't rough up her feet on the wooden floors.

I know that some people don't find them all that useful, but we like our Bumbo and tray a lot. (Look for one on Craigslist; they're everywhere. And make sure that you send in for the free add-on kit with straps.) Ellie often sits in it while we eat dinner, scraping on a carrot stick or begging pieces of fruit from her soft-hearted father.

Our infant carseat is a Chicco Keyfit30. It's fairly heavy but also has high safety ratings, and it's wide enough to let a baby's legs fall into the frog position rather than holding them straight. It will fit Ellie up to 30 pounds, after which, I'm not sure. Any suggestions for the next step?

Our stroller is another large item I'd recommend-- it's a Baby Jogger City Elite. The three-wheel design works great on uneven city sidewalks, it's easy to maneuver, it has an adjustable handle, it has a decent sized basket and storage pockets by the handle, it folds up with one quick motion, and it is surprisingly lightweight for such a sturdy contraption. It also seems to have decent suspension: Ellie doesn't mind bumping along over the cracks and curbs.

Cleaning Up

I also use the Bumbo for bathtime. Stick her in, run the water, and she's free to splash away.

Speaking of which, Burt's Bees makes a really nice bubble bath soap. Ellie really enjoys the mounds of bubbles floating around her! It is expensive, though, so I plan to experiment with my own concoction once the bottle runs out. :)

I had a couple of small baby towels for when she was really tiny, but now I've started to just use one of ours and that's perfectly fine since they are all so soft.

Green Sprouts bibs feature a waterproof inner layer, so your little droolbucket doesn't immediately soak the clothes beneath the bib. Ellie is constantly dripping . . . so we have two dozen of these . . . and I still run out.

Fun!

Mortimer the Moose (or just "Moose" as we call him) is Ellie's favorite toy, apart from anything Mama happens to be holding. He has a squishable body and hard antlers, which are great for teething. We keep him in the car and when we're on the road, you can usually hear Ellie crinkling his feet as she stuffs them in her mouth.

She's also a fan of IKEA children's tableware, particularly cups and spoons. As I write this she's lying on her back with her face stuffed into a cup, singing happily and kicking the floor. Whatever works, baby girl.

Medical-ish

Over the past six months I have wanted to take Ellie's temperature several times; I use this spiffy folding model from Safety 1st. She has never objected, and actually seems to think it's pretty funny when I stick it under her arm. She ran a fever once, but I just took off her clothes and kept her hydrated, and it went away on its own (as fevers usually do). Seemed to be related to teething.

Little Mouse sometimes gets cradle cap. I rub coconut oil all over her head, and after 20 minutes start combing it all out, being careful to pick up all the flaky skin I can. After a thorough bath, the cradle cap is just about gone. This little comb and brush set from American Red Cross works nicely.

Not medical, but related to safety: you should probably get a sunshade for the window next to your baby's carseat. We have one from UPPAbaby and I like it so far.

Sleepytime

When we go on trips or if Ellie needs to sleep at someone else's house, we put her in a basic Graco Pack and Play with an organic crib sheet.

Sleep sacks are fantastic. I have a few lightweight ones for naptime and fleece for colder nights. Warm, easy, and very cute. Just layer a onesie underneath and you are set! For some reason, Ellie loves putting on her jammies and gets very silly once she's in a sleep sack. :)

the quotable princess bride #5

La Promenade by Renoir

"Buttercup was searching somewhere for sufficiency of courage. Evidently, she found it in his eyes."

The mushiest. Yet so true of me.

The most intense instance of this came when Ellie was on her way out. I know for a stone-carved fact that if it weren't for Jared's presence I would have given up an hour into active labor. Not because it hurt so much at the moment, but because six . . . seven . . . twelve more hours of it sounded like too much to handle. And they would have been, had I faced them alone.

I'm not sure why a companion can give you courage, but that's exactly what happened. While I lay in the hot tub, breathing slowly and relaxing every muscle in my power, Jared sat by the edge holding my hand. The knowledge that my husband was with me made each contraction seem like something I could handle. Labor wasn't going to beat me. We were going to do this thing. And we did.

for munchies: Peanut Butter Energy Bars

The only drawback to these energy bars: they really ought to be refrigerated. Too long unchilled, and they start to get soft.

Apart from that, it's all good news: quick, simple, no exotic ingredients. And of course marvelously tasty.

The original recipe calls for a few chia seeds. I've not yet surrendered to this trend. However, I have bought hook line and sinker into green smoothies, Greek yogurt, and liquid stevia, so surely a bag of chia lurks not far in my future.

---

Peanut Butter Energy Bars
(based on a recipe from Gimme Some Oven)

2 cups rolled oats
1 1/3 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
1/2 cup unsalted sunflower seeds
1/2 cup unsalted pumpkin seeds
1 cup natural peanut or almond butter
1/2 cup honey

1) Stir oats, coconut, sunflower seeds, and pumpkin seeds together in large mixing bowl.
2) Stir together peanut butter and honey until smooth. Pour over dry ingredients and stir until thoroughly combined.
3) Lightly grease a 9x9 pan with nonstick spray, or line with parchment paper. Press mixture tightly into prepared pan and chill for several hours before cutting into 16 bars. Store in airtight container in refrigerator.

Weekend linkage // 7QT #7

Linked up with Seven Quick Takes.

1)

Jared--

Have you ever noticed that the same themes come up across all genres of music? They sing about the same things, just in different ways and with their own spin. Rap, country, r&b, pop . . .

::thinks for a while::

Well, I don't know about polka.

2)

Teeth! They are fully in and ready to gnaw everything in sight. Jared has let her sample a lot of fruit lately; she approved of the banana and mango, not so much the kiwi.

She loves to play, whether that means tickling, "flying," playing peekaboo, pretending to eat her up, or rolling around on the bed. It's pretty easy to make her laugh now. When we're silly with her, she starts smiling bigger and bigger, until she breaks out in the most adorable spasm of giggles.

How is my baby six months already?

3)

What your neighborhood listserv tells you about the demise of America, and other cheerful reflections on the state of childhood today.

Also regarding childhood, some important information on developmental hip displasia and how to choose car seats, carriers, and swaddling techniques to avoid it.

This is the cutest. J already tried giving her ice cream . . . not interested.

4)

What's the difference between women preaching and women blogging? Some helpful thoughts, in my complementarian blogger opinion.

More humorous ecclesiastical reading: accidental worship heresies. Definitely made me chuckle.

I know not any

Thus says the Lord, the King of Israel

and his Redeemer, the Lord of hosts:

“I am the first and I am the last;

besides me there is no god.

Who is like me? Let him proclaim it.

Let him declare and set it before me,

since I appointed an ancient people.

Let them declare what is to come, and what will happen.

Fear not, nor be afraid;

have I not told you from of old and declared it?

And you are my witnesses!

Is there a God besides me?

There is no Rock; I know not any.”

-Isaiah 44:6-8

image credit: Nickolay Khoroshkov

God made these mountains.

God also made you.

And there is nobody even close to matching Him in love or power or wisdom or beauty.

And because He loves his children, all of that matchless love and power and wisdom or beauty, it gets dumped out on us every day and throughout eternity.

Is that not the coolest thing?

the quotable princess bride #4

The Ingenue by Renoir

"I always think everything is a trap until proven otherwise . . . Which is why I'm still alive."

I don't like to describe myself as cynical. As the saying goes: I'm not cynical, just realistic.

Sometimes that is true.

When I find myself being suspicious of everyone, though, especially people in (actual or self-proclaimed) authority positions, something is probably wrong. Realism does not have to see ulterior motives behind every bush. You're a doctor? A congressman? An expert of any kind? You must be lying!

I think that critical thinking-- doubting conventional wisdom and striking out on a road less traveled-- has often served me well. I just don't want to become so "critical" that I live in fear. Let's avoid paranoia.

the quotable princess bride #3

Irene Cahen D'Anvers by Renoir

"Life is pain . . . Anybody that says different is selling something."

Look, that's a bit too dark even for me, but you know, life does carry a great deal of pain. In the pampered world of American suburbia it's easy to pretend that it doesn't-- or that it's not supposed to-- that pain is something extraordinary, to be surprised at, bewailed, and forgotten as soon as possible.

The Bible says, though, that creation groans under the curse. Creation includes us. It includes mosquitoes and influenza and lying politicians and abusive husbands and torture chambers. That's what sin does: it makes a mess. Pain deserves bewailing, and if God gives us a way we should heal creation's wounds, but we shouldn't be shocked when things fall apart.

Though I don't believe in rubbing my child's face in evil, I don't want her to believe that a basket of kittens and sunbursts ought to await her around every corner, either. Here is an interesting read along those lines: "Must Every Kid's Movie Reinforce the Cult of Self-Esteem?"

the quotable princess bride #2

Young Mother by Renoir

"Love is many things, none of them logical."

Not to say that love entirely excludes rationality or knowledge. I love God because I know that He is glorious and gracious. I love my parents because it makes sense to cherish and honor people who have put their lives on the figurative altar for me and five other mewling offspring. But it's not like I actually consult a logic textbook before I allow myself to feel love. It simply . . . happens. Naturally. Humans are made to love, and more often than not, it wells up without any particular "reason."

That was most evident when I fell in love with my husband and when I realized that I absolutely adored my child. In the first case, after a long summer of just-friendship, I blinked one evening and suddenly wanted nothing except to marry Jared. In the second case, after three weeks of dragging my weary post-partum self around and wishing that Ellie wouldn't cry so much, I woke up one morning and could not wait to get that baby out of her crib.

What happened? Love did. It's still happening. In hard times, intentional choice and careful reasoning are great aids to love, bolstering it when the fire flickers-- but in the end I think that it comes from God, and that at its best it goes beyond our logic to a place unreachable without Him.

the quotable princess bride #1

Last month I reread William Goldman's The Princess Bride. (If you've never had the pleasure, you should know that the book's more cynical than the movie, but also far more clever.) Amidst my laughter, I found myself dog-earing pages to mark particularly good lines.

Then I thought that I should share them with the rest of the world. So here is the first.

---

Jeanne Samary by Renoir

"Isn't it awful what we'll do in this world to be wanted?"

At various times I've lived in fear of being unwanted. I would worry that nobody liked me, that people didn't approve of me.

That fear shaped my mannerisms as I interacted with others. Often I faked my way through, smiling big when I thought I should, laughing at jokes I didn't get, faking interest in the conversation when I actually thought it was stupid. Afterwards I would feel strange, knowing I had put on a "face" for the world. It was unsatisfactory. Awful, as Goldman frankly says.

This still happens but I am more aware of it. I am trying instead to listen to the people who encourage me, and to believe them-- to believe that they really do enjoy my company and really do want to be my friend. Which means that I don't have to impress them, to make them want to have me around. I can stop squeezing into uncomfortable masks, masks that I think will be more acceptable or popular.

I can just be me. It's a far happier way to live.

for it is God who works in you

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. . .

Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

-Philippians 2:1-4, 12-13

I've found a certain danger in praying "God, help me to be kind/courageous/otherwise holy." That prayer,  can serve as an excuse. Because then I figure . . . well. I've put in my request, so now I'll wait until I feel kind or courageous or otherwise holy. And only then, will I do what God has asked me to do.

flame tulip by coopisthehighroller

That approach paints me as someone who needs a magical jump-start every time I'm to do anything righteous. As a child of God I've been spiritually resurrected, given a heart of flesh, and empowered by the third person of the Trinity who now dwells within me, so in fact, I can obey God right now!

We also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles of the world. But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God. Formerly, when you did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods. But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world?
-Galatians 4:3-9

The Galatians think they are still enslaved to sin and need to find some clever way to break its chains, when Christ has broken them forever. The new life you received through salvation is more than sufficient, Paul says. Stop downplaying the power of the cross and trying to reach new heights of spiritual ability on your own. There are no greater heights than knowing Christ. There is no greater ability than that of Christ Himself, and He has given us His own Spirit.
 
Of course this is vastly different from "believing in your best self." The obedience we now perform is done through the Spirit's strength, not ours. Because of that, it's a more hopeful obedience. It is done in confidence rather than fear.

If Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh . . . For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!"
-Romans 8:10-15

I think of the woman caught in adultery, and how Jesus said to her, go . . . and sin no more. She might have wondered how she could obey that command. Wasn't sin her identity? Wasn't it her occupation from birth? I wonder if she came back to Him, later, and asked him to explain.

If she did, I imagine He would simply have replied, "I will be with you."

these are but the outskirts of his ways

He stretches out the north over the void

and hangs the earth on nothing.

He binds up the waters in his thick clouds,

and the cloud is not split open under them.

He covers the face of the full moon

and spreads over it his cloud.

He has inscribed a circle on the face of the waters

at the boundary between light and darkness.

The pillars of heaven tremble

and are astounded at his rebuke . . .

image credit: New Scientist

Behold, these are but the outskirts of his ways,

and how small a whisper do we hear of him!

But the thunder of his power who can understand?

-Job 26:7-14

Weekend linkage // 7QT #3

Linked up with Conversion Diary's Seven Quick Takes.

1)

::Jared is holding Ellie and she is wiggling all over the place::

"Ellie, you are like a good IPA . . . a thick head and very hoppy."

2)

We have toofers! Ellie's two bottom incisors popped up this past week. And are they ever SHARP. We also have a jumper. She's very excited about it. The funny thing is, sometimes you put her in and she starts fussing, but as she kicks her feet in frustration she begins to bounce up and down . . . and then, thoroughly distracted, she forgets about being sad. 

 

What we do not have: a full night's sleep.

3)

The value of daily rituals. "If we make prayer a habit before we go to bed, hopefully we will come to need that ritual simply by the fact that it is what we have always done. I think of that often, and am learning to consider what habits to build in our new home so that in ten years, we will still be holding onto them dearly. Daily rituals are those that we do over and over again, but that provide us with a new glimpse into the world and the lives around us."

4)

Here's an interesting article on the effects of ADHD medicines on the "sports gene."

Along the same lines-- medicating children's personalities for the sake of uniformity-- "School Has Become Hostile to Boys." As if I needed another reason to homeschool. 

 
5)

Beautiful and true thoughts on committed love. "Before you can make high towers, it’s best to build a good strong base. It comes from laughter, empathy, forgiveness, accepting the other person’s struggle, and knowing yourself. But sometimes . . . Things get shaky and start to wobble. There is always a way to rebuild if you’re willing."

summer tabbouleh salad

When gluten's off the table, so is traditional tabbouleh, made with cracked wheat (bulgur) and a medley of gorgeous summer vegetables. Luckily, quinoa is a good understudy for bulgur, so this peppy salad ended up on our table. Jared liked it and I bet you will too. It makes great leftovers, and if you toss in some leftover grilled chicken, you've got a complete lunch.

And I still have too many grape tomatoes. They would make cute sundried tomatoes if I had a dehydrating setup. Maybe I should learn to can? Nah, too lazy. I'll just keep popping them like candy.

---

Quinoa Tabbouleh Salad
(based on a recipe from The Way the Cookie Crumbles)

1 1/2 cups uncooked quinoa
1 3/4 cups chicken or vegetable broth
2 tablespoons water
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 red onion, minced
1/2 large cucumber, peeled and diced
1 small green bell pepper, seeded and diced
2-3 cups halved cherry or grape tomatoes
1 small bunch parsley, roughly chopped
1/2 cup crumbled feta cheese (more if desired)
3 tablespoons lemon juice
additional salt and pepper to taste

1) Pour quinoa into a bowl or large glass measuring cup and cover with water. Soak for 30 to 60 minutes; drain water. Rinse thoroughly until quinoa no longer tastes bitter.
2) Bring rinsed quinoa, chicken broth, water, olive oil, and salt to boil in small pot. Reduce heat to low and cover pot. Simmer for 20 minutes, then turn off heat and let quinoa sit for 10 minutes.
3) Remove pot lid and fluff quinoa with fork. Let cool for an hour.
4) In large mixing bowl stir together cooled quinoa, vegetables, parsley, and feta cheese. Add lemon juice and any additional seasonings, and stir to combine. Serve at room temperature.

Shared on Simple Lives Thursday

labeling. boo.

When I meet someone new, one question is bound to come up: "So what do you do?" The answer shapes my perception of that person, but often in inaccurate and unhelpful ways. For example: if someone says that he is a cashier at the dollar store I mentally stick him into my "not a potential friend" category. Ashamed to admit that, but it's true. I have only started to realize that in the past couple of years.

I think it is an unfortunate component of human nature to label people. Personally, by making assumptions according to stereotypes, I have missed out on a lot. More than once the cashier has turned out to be a thoughtful lover of Robert Frost. And I found myself saying, oh . . . you're not what I thought!

I want to be known for my whole self. I am not "just" a mother or a teacher or a conservative or anything else. I am a person. That's a complicated thing to be.

If you ask me what I do, I could say that I'm a stay at home mom, but that doesn't tell you much; it doesn't describe how I actually spend my time. It doesn't tell you that I read big books, plant nasturtiums in the spring, listen to sermons while I wash the dishes, or make a mean Greek salad. That I teach kids all over the country how to write. That I have this blog. Asking such a narrow question does not tell you who I am. 

Let's start looking at the person, not the label. It takes longer and it requires more thought, but won't it be worthwhile?

---

Honestly, I wish that the question of employment wasn't be so central to an American's identity. By introducing ourselves as "an engineer" or "a librarian" we imply that our job is all we ever do and that without it, our central selves would disappear. Which is not the case for me. My life is made up of many, many things, a large percentage of which-- perhaps, in the end, the most significant percentage-- does not involve a job title or any kind of financial remuneration.

I imagine it's the same for most of us.

how I do something about it

Mother and Sara by Mary Cassatt

A lot of the problems I see around me come down to cultural issues. While activists often try to solve them politically, I think that for things to change, people have to start believing differently.

Take abortion. I'm all for legally banning it, but the real problem does not lie in our laws: it lies in a culture that says children are a fashion accessory or a burden rather than a marvelous gift, and that we have the right to eliminate any perceived inconvenience from our lives, including another human life. Outlawing abortion will not alter those flawed basic beliefs. I think the real solution to abortion is to change how people view babies, and to change their selfishness to selflessness.

That's not something you can do in the political realm. It is something you do in daily life, as you gently live out the truth. It is ultimately, of course, something that God does; we are just little instruments.

I always want to do something about the wrongs I see. Perhaps I can, and perhaps it's less spectacular than I assume it must be.

"Now concerning brotherly love you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love one another . . . But we urge you, brothers, to do this more and more, and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, so that you may walk properly before outsiders." (1 Thessalonians 4)

I like that. "Aspire to live quietly and to mind your own affairs." That doesn't mean that you can stick your head in the sand, ignore your neighbors, and pretend that America is the Garden of Eden. It does mean, though, that we're not all called to be William Wilberforce.

What am I called to, then? Well, I think that having a baby, welcoming it into the family no matter the circumstances, loving it whole-heartedly, sacrificing to make its life better, and-- gasp!-- being willing to have more children and do the same for them, is a significant weapon in the battle against the prevailing culture of death.

By witnessing to the value of new life, you're showing your neighbors that there is another way to look at humans. You're telling everyone that no, there aren't too many of us, and that giving birth should be cause for celebration, not eco-guilt. By going against the prevailing tide of self-absorption, you're opening opportunities to tell them about the love of God that transformed your heart.

I'm not a political activist, and I don't have the ability right now to volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center or to adopt. But I am doing something about this problem. I am living . . . with this tiny person always in tow.

two thoughts that helped to keep me semi-sane during the first month of motherhood

Sure, she's sleeping now. . .

#1 God knows how much sleep you need.

Sleeping was really hard at first. I would get into bed (sometimes with Ellie beside me, sometimes with her in the nursery) and try desperately to relax. My mind wouldn't cooperate: I couldn't stop thinking and planning and wondering. Will she wake up? Will nursing ever not hurt? Did I put the laundry in the dryer? Why can't I fall asleep? She's going to wake up soon! If I don't go to sleep right now I'll be a wreck tomorrow! Bedtime was more stressful than restful.

After a while, though, I realized that every morning when I woke up, I felt okay. I could face that day. Even if Ellie had cried for an hour in the middle of the night-- which, thank God, didn't happen very often-- I was able to take care of her and not fall over in exhaustion. When I went to bed, then, I could trust the Lord to give me enough sleep.

So instead of freaking out about not sleeping, I started to think, I don't have to worry. Ellie might be fussing now, but she will sleep eventually . . . it will be better in the morning. Even if I can't fall asleep right away, I can lie here and rest. That will be good too.

 Don't you know, I fell asleep faster.

Magnesium also helped. :)

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Psalm 4:8

Look at those skinny legs!

#2 When your baby is crying, she is sad.

In other words, she is not being "bad." You don't have to worry about spoiling her, because she only wants to be fed, kept warm, and cuddled. Pick her up and love her.

When Ellie would scrunch up her face and wail at the top of her lungs, it helped a lot to remember that she simply needed me. I didn't get angry at her, because I knew that she was not trying to get on my nerves. When I thought of her crying as an expression of sadness, rather than as a pointless irritation, it helped me to be compassionate towards my baby.

Sometimes we let her cry in her crib now because we can tell the difference between "I am annoyed and need to go to sleep" and "oh help I'm scared and need to be held!" When she was really little, though, she didn't know how to fuss herself to sleep, so crying was pretty much a distress signal to be answered immediately.

Weekend linkage

"Businesses don't charge you a fee to pay online, because it's less work for them. The government does charge you a fee to pay online, because they're stupid."
-Jared paying bills

---

Life with Ellie: She keeps learning things that are alternately adorable and maddening. One, how to grab-- her blankets, my hair, Jared's salad bowl. Sometimes she even gets a grasp on her feet, which is just too cute.

Two, how to roll over at will-- it's no longer an accident, and she does it constantly. She has been flipping onto her back (and thus waking herself up) two or three times every night. Again, super cute but not my favorite thing just past midnight.

I'm grateful that older and wiser moms told me not to get too attached to my baby's schedule. Having her sleep for 10 hours straight was delightful, but I didn't really expect it to last forever. Babies be babies. And there's always coffee.

---

This is a beautiful reflection on a difficult yet gracious marriage. "We thank God for the years of settling in to a deep and abiding love through huge mistakes, hurtful arguments, angry comments, putting off forgiving each other, apathetic stretches, and lulls between moments of kissing each other like we really mean it and don't have something better to do."

Look at your baby, not at the charts. Use that mama sense! If you have a skinny baby like I do, this might be encouraging to you. :)

Have we reached peak beard? This is funny.

I wish more people would realize this: saying "just wait" in a menacing tone is not not not helpful to young mothers.

More on marriage-- lovely story of two widowers finding one another.

it couldn't have been easy

I am a selfish person. I am. But for Ellie I would do anything.

I don't care how hard it is, how much it hurts, how much it cuts into what I wanted and planned. If it will make this beautiful little girl happy or make her life better, I'll do it.

Saying that feels very natural. She is my daughter after all. My body sheltered her for the better part of a year, and during that time-- while I had to give myself up for her whether I liked it or not-- I learned to do it in love. That was before I had a choice. Now I can choose, but it still isn't even a question, really. When she cries, my heart twists. When she needs me in the middle of the night, I go.

God made it easy for me to love Ellie. She is cute and sweet. She gurgles with happiness, flaps her arms when she's excited, and lets out hilariously loud burps after eating. How could you not love this?

So then I think: God ran after me when I wasn't the least bit lovable. He had made me, protected me, sustained my life, but I didn't give a rip. Ellie smiles when I pick her up-- until He opened my eyes, I wasn't smiling. I was scowling in His direction and trying to hide. It couldn't have been easy (at least in human terms) to love a rebel, let alone die for her. Yet here I am, enjoying life as His precious daughter, confident in His faithful care. That is amazing.

cucumber crunch

We planted two cucumber vines in our backyard (where, by the way, the veggies are doing better than the flowers. Next year we're turning most of it into a vegetable garden!) and they are as prolific as usual, which is to say that I have more cukes than I know what to do with-- one of summer's more pleasant problems.

Therefore a salad.

---

Creamy Cucumber Salad

2 fresh cucumbers, scrubbed and sliced thinly
red onion, sliced thinly (as much or as little as you like)
1/2 cup sour cream
2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar
2 tablespoons fresh snipped herbs*
salt and pepper to taste

1) Toss the cucumber and onion together in a mixing bowl.
2) Whisk together remaining ingredients and pour over vegetables. Stir to coat.
3) Refrigerate for 6-8 hours and serve chilled.

*You're supposed to use dill, but my dill plant is not thrilled with life at the moment. So I used mostly basil and tarragon.

they are seeking a homeland

"These [saints of old] all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland.

"If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return.

image credit: Individuell Manniskohjalp

"But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."

-Hebrews 11:13-16

a moment of Eden

 I love Elizabeth's eyes.

They are big and blue and vivacious. They shine in delight as she peers at the strange world around her. They dart back and forth as her curious mind absorbs sights and sounds. They sparkle with good humor as she smiles and coos at us. Even when she was only a few days old, I looked into her eyes and saw them brimful with life.

One of the most awesome things to me, when I look at Ellie, is to think of her as a person and not just an infant. Yes, she is tiny, and her biggest accomplishments so far are to squawk, drool, and accidentally roll over. But she has an entire life ahead of her-- the intense, overflowing life I see in her beautiful eyes-- and who knows where it may lead? She has the same heart and soul of the woman she'll be in fifty years.

Maybe this is why I enjoy babies so much. They give us a moment of Eden: the hope and potential of a human life before any corruption creeps in. In a baby's round face you see the image of God in its purest form on this earth.

It's incredible to think of my daughter's whole existence bottled up, for now, in such a small body. Just waiting to unfold.

It unfolds a little more every day. I'm glad I get to be here for that.

Weekend linkage

"Where two or more are willing to drink coffee, there the Spirit gathers."
-Jared the sage

---

Life with Ellie: She gets funnier all the time. If I sit with her on the front porch, every car, bicycle, and basketball-bouncing teenager that passes by gets a wide eyed stare. She can follow moving objects pretty well but can't quite synchronize her neck muscles for a smooth turn of the head. So it's more like stare-jerk-stare-jerk-stare.

She is still rolling over in her crib on occasion, and once did it at 5:45 AM (I just nursed her and popped her back into bed, where she stayed for another couple of hours thank you Lord).

We seem to be raising a stringbean. This morning she weighed only 11 pounds 4 ounces, but she is already 24.5 inches long-- she's grown three inches since birth! Obviously she is not taking after her mother. :)

---

We are breeding the nutrition out of our food.

The most popular baby names . . . by state.

Living for the love of good things. "Love God. Love family. Love beauty. Whatever is pure, whatever is noble, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, love these things. Love passionately. Love deeply . . . You may never know who watched you love that thing and came to love it as well."

because apparently we can never have too many muffin recipes

I've hopped back on the grain wagon, in a manner of speaking. After more than a year of totally avoiding grains, I started experimenting with them again. It seems that gluten was my biggest problem, after all, but even that I can have in limited quantities. :)

Paleo eating seems to work perfectly for some people, and I do agree that grains pose dangers when consumed in American-style proportions (blood sugar rollercoaster, tooth decay, possible gluten sensitivities, you probably know the drill). For now, though, I am enjoying my oatmeal.

I know it sounds so trendy to say that I'm "low gluten" or "gluten free." Oh well, there it is. You do what works for ya. And I'm glad that I can still munch on a good piece of ciabatta or a slice of German chocolate cake when the occasion arises.

On one of my recent gluten-y baking excursions I came up with these delicious muffins. I made them to go alongside chili; they'd be good just about anywhere.

If you don't have a stoneware muffin pan I highly recommend getting one. If you preheat it along with the oven, it makes the most delicious, evenly baked, golden-brown muffins ever.

---

Cornbread Cranberry Muffins
(original recipe from Sugarcrafter)

2 large eggs
1 cup whole milk
1/3 cup melted coconut oil*
1/3 cup honey
1 1/4 cups stone ground cornmeal
1 cup white whole wheat flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup packed dried cranberries

1) Preheat oven to 450 degrees and prepare muffin pan.
2) In mixing bowl beat eggs until light yellow in color. Whisk in milk, melted coconut oil, and honey until smooth.
3) In smaller bowl whisk together remaining ingredients thoroughly. Gently stir dry ingredients into wet, just until combined (there may still be a few lumps).
4) Divide batter among prepared muffin cups. Bake for 12-15 minutes or just until muffins are golden brown at the edges and firm in the center. Don't overbake them. :) Remove to cool on wire rack. Serve with plenty of butter.

*Or butter if you prefer.

that's what he said

chomp on daddy

As per request, here are all of Jared's conversational gems from the past year-ish. Categorized and everything.

Concerning His Wife

"No, I'm not going to stop making fun of you. It's one of my principal pleasures in life."

"You are expensive. But I still love you."

"Well, it's a lot easier for you to sound condescending than it is for other people."

"Aww, do you feel as bad as you look?"

"Well, I didn't need a binder full of women to find you."

"If you're such a smartypants, why don't you know about cashews?"

"You're very convenient to have around."

"You're so fat, I can't even shut the car door!"

"I think you would like being a partridge."

"You're the best wife I've ever had."

"I love you even more than bacon."

"Babe, why do you have a big bag of weed in the kitchen?"

"You must be a camel."

"So your finger is like a gateway drug."

"You are my delicate chain-smoking flower."

Concerning His Child

"It's rather blobby."

"When it's crying in the middle of the night, I will call it your baby. When it's being really cute I will call it my baby."

"Yep, you're our little bundle of joy . . . and crying and pooping."

"I do not think the chiropractor would approve of that position."

"It's basically impossible to not take a cute picture of you."

"You are a hiccup machine!"

"Yeah, [she is a] screech owl."

"That's what daddies are for: to irritate their little girls."

"Ellie, soon you will be so old you can apply for your NAACP card!"

"Hey! Did your mom tell you to [spit up all over me]?!"

"You know, she really looks like Jabba the Hutt in there."

"Ellie, what are you going to do with all your chins?"

"Don't worry, she can't go anywhere-- she's in the halfpipe."

"Hey! No TV until you're thirteen!"

Concerning Food

"People at work ask me if you're a gourmet chef or something, because I'm always bringing such amazing things in for lunch."

"I have a new rule: quiche must always contain bacon."

"I know! You can do the dishes while I eat ice cream and brownies. Don't I have good ideas?"

"Do you want some dark chocolate? You need your anti-accidents for the day."

Concerning Himself

"If I were Matthew MacConaughey, I wouldn't have this problem."

"If this real estate thing doesn't work out, I can always go be the yeoman of somebody's cellars."

"I’ve made up my mind. I’m voting for Antoine Dodson, all seats."

"Hold on a minute. I'm trying to figure out how to turn that into a compliment."

"That's me, Mr. Mom."

"That thought is an alien invader into my common sense universe."

"Urgh. Me caveman. Where my woman?"

Concerning Everything Else

"Okay, here's what should happen. Rick Santorum should win and then appoint Mitt Romney as Secretary of State, Ron Paul as Chairman of the Fed, and Newt Gingrich as Press Secretary."

"I think Paula Deen looks like Miss Piggy."

"Reverence for church meetings is a Belgian ale."

"These are the Visigoth grandmas. They sit around knitting things and playing Tiddlywinks."

"Stupid post office. Off with its head!"

"Hmmm. If I was an apron, where would I be?"

"No, we followed the Jared method [not the Bradley method]."

"We will choose plan number C."

"Listen, Ellie. Your mom is good at words and cooking. Not math."

Conversations

Me: I've had enough sad and serious for today.
Jared: There's always Napoleon Dynamite . . .
Me: NO.
Jared: Well, it's not sad or serious!
Me: It's really dumb!
Jared: You're really dumb.

Jared: Do we have any ice cream?
Me: You cannot eat ice cream right now!
Jared: You're disrupting my kingdom.

Me (melodramatically): But seriously, babe. Do you think I'm pretty?
Jared (straight-facedly): Nope. Not pretty. Ugly! You are so ugly. I like ugly girls, and that's why I married you, because you were the ugliest one I could find. Ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly. . .

Me: What are you doing rummaging through the fridge?
Jared: Looking for something to drink with rum.

Me: I guess it doesn't matter if you're English or Amish . . .
Jared: Everybody wanna pimp out their ride.

Jared: When we install the new cabinets we have to measure the space is between the radiator and . . . um . . . you know, the other thing.
Me: Wall?
Jared: Right. The part you can't walk past.

Me: I like the name Genevieve.
Jared: How would you spell that?
Me: G-E-N-E-V-I-E-V-E. And I like Eliza too.
Jared: How would you spell that?
Me: With an E. I also like Rose.
Jared: How would you spell--
Me: OH MY GOODNESS JUST STOP IT.
Jared: hahahaha

Me: I look so fat.
Jared: You're pregnant. You're supposed to look fat.
 
Me: Simon sent me some Youtube video, because apparently everyone has seen it but I haven't. Whatever.
Jared: What video would that be?
Me: I think it's called Gangnam Style.
Jared: Babe. Everyone has seen that. 

Me: You need anything at the grocery store?
Jared: Booze.

Friend: So Jared, what do you do?
Me: He keeps me sane.
Jared: Yeah, it's a full-time position.