it couldn't have been easy

I am a selfish person. I am. But for Ellie I would do anything.

I don't care how hard it is, how much it hurts, how much it cuts into what I wanted and planned. If it will make this beautiful little girl happy or make her life better, I'll do it.

Saying that feels very natural. She is my daughter after all. My body sheltered her for the better part of a year, and during that time-- while I had to give myself up for her whether I liked it or not-- I learned to do it in love. That was before I had a choice. Now I can choose, but it still isn't even a question, really. When she cries, my heart twists. When she needs me in the middle of the night, I go.

God made it easy for me to love Ellie. She is cute and sweet. She gurgles with happiness, flaps her arms when she's excited, and lets out hilariously loud burps after eating. How could you not love this?

So then I think: God ran after me when I wasn't the least bit lovable. He had made me, protected me, sustained my life, but I didn't give a rip. Ellie smiles when I pick her up-- until He opened my eyes, I wasn't smiling. I was scowling in His direction and trying to hide. It couldn't have been easy (at least in human terms) to love a rebel, let alone die for her. Yet here I am, enjoying life as His precious daughter, confident in His faithful care. That is amazing.

cucumber crunch

We planted two cucumber vines in our backyard (where, by the way, the veggies are doing better than the flowers. Next year we're turning most of it into a vegetable garden!) and they are as prolific as usual, which is to say that I have more cukes than I know what to do with-- one of summer's more pleasant problems.

Therefore a salad.

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Creamy Cucumber Salad

2 fresh cucumbers, scrubbed and sliced thinly
red onion, sliced thinly (as much or as little as you like)
1/2 cup sour cream
2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar
2 tablespoons fresh snipped herbs*
salt and pepper to taste

1) Toss the cucumber and onion together in a mixing bowl.
2) Whisk together remaining ingredients and pour over vegetables. Stir to coat.
3) Refrigerate for 6-8 hours and serve chilled.

*You're supposed to use dill, but my dill plant is not thrilled with life at the moment. So I used mostly basil and tarragon.

they are seeking a homeland

"These [saints of old] all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland.

"If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return.

image credit: Individuell Manniskohjalp

"But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."

-Hebrews 11:13-16

a moment of Eden

 I love Elizabeth's eyes.

They are big and blue and vivacious. They shine in delight as she peers at the strange world around her. They dart back and forth as her curious mind absorbs sights and sounds. They sparkle with good humor as she smiles and coos at us. Even when she was only a few days old, I looked into her eyes and saw them brimful with life.

One of the most awesome things to me, when I look at Ellie, is to think of her as a person and not just an infant. Yes, she is tiny, and her biggest accomplishments so far are to squawk, drool, and accidentally roll over. But she has an entire life ahead of her-- the intense, overflowing life I see in her beautiful eyes-- and who knows where it may lead? She has the same heart and soul of the woman she'll be in fifty years.

Maybe this is why I enjoy babies so much. They give us a moment of Eden: the hope and potential of a human life before any corruption creeps in. In a baby's round face you see the image of God in its purest form on this earth.

It's incredible to think of my daughter's whole existence bottled up, for now, in such a small body. Just waiting to unfold.

It unfolds a little more every day. I'm glad I get to be here for that.

Weekend linkage

"Where two or more are willing to drink coffee, there the Spirit gathers."
-Jared the sage

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Life with Ellie: She gets funnier all the time. If I sit with her on the front porch, every car, bicycle, and basketball-bouncing teenager that passes by gets a wide eyed stare. She can follow moving objects pretty well but can't quite synchronize her neck muscles for a smooth turn of the head. So it's more like stare-jerk-stare-jerk-stare.

She is still rolling over in her crib on occasion, and once did it at 5:45 AM (I just nursed her and popped her back into bed, where she stayed for another couple of hours thank you Lord).

We seem to be raising a stringbean. This morning she weighed only 11 pounds 4 ounces, but she is already 24.5 inches long-- she's grown three inches since birth! Obviously she is not taking after her mother. :)

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We are breeding the nutrition out of our food.

The most popular baby names . . . by state.

Living for the love of good things. "Love God. Love family. Love beauty. Whatever is pure, whatever is noble, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, love these things. Love passionately. Love deeply . . . You may never know who watched you love that thing and came to love it as well."

because apparently we can never have too many muffin recipes

I've hopped back on the grain wagon, in a manner of speaking. After more than a year of totally avoiding grains, I started experimenting with them again. It seems that gluten was my biggest problem, after all, but even that I can have in limited quantities. :)

Paleo eating seems to work perfectly for some people, and I do agree that grains pose dangers when consumed in American-style proportions (blood sugar rollercoaster, tooth decay, possible gluten sensitivities, you probably know the drill). For now, though, I am enjoying my oatmeal.

I know it sounds so trendy to say that I'm "low gluten" or "gluten free." Oh well, there it is. You do what works for ya. And I'm glad that I can still munch on a good piece of ciabatta or a slice of German chocolate cake when the occasion arises.

On one of my recent gluten-y baking excursions I came up with these delicious muffins. I made them to go alongside chili; they'd be good just about anywhere.

If you don't have a stoneware muffin pan I highly recommend getting one. If you preheat it along with the oven, it makes the most delicious, evenly baked, golden-brown muffins ever.

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Cornbread Cranberry Muffins
(original recipe from Sugarcrafter)

2 large eggs
1 cup whole milk
1/3 cup melted coconut oil*
1/3 cup honey
1 1/4 cups stone ground cornmeal
1 cup white whole wheat flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup packed dried cranberries

1) Preheat oven to 450 degrees and prepare muffin pan.
2) In mixing bowl beat eggs until light yellow in color. Whisk in milk, melted coconut oil, and honey until smooth.
3) In smaller bowl whisk together remaining ingredients thoroughly. Gently stir dry ingredients into wet, just until combined (there may still be a few lumps).
4) Divide batter among prepared muffin cups. Bake for 12-15 minutes or just until muffins are golden brown at the edges and firm in the center. Don't overbake them. :) Remove to cool on wire rack. Serve with plenty of butter.

*Or butter if you prefer.