"That thought is an alien invader into my common sense universe."
-Jared upon forgetting something regarding carseats
"Yeah, a screech owl."
-upon my calling Ellie a night owl
---
Life with Ellie: I think the exact same lessons that God was teaching me through difficulties with my skin (which, by the way, has been a lot better since Ellie was born) are continuing right on through the newborn stage. Embracing joy in the moment and not worrying about what might happen in the future. Accepting my weakness. Believing that God knows where I am and that he cares deeply for me . . . and for Ellie.
It's been tough. Not gonna pretend. Those people who told me that childbirth was the hardest thing I'd ever do? Liars. This is a thousand times harder. I feel as if I am being broken-- which I am-- broken of my pride and selfishness and anxiety. I keep remembering that in Hebrews, we're told not to despise the Lord's discipline because it is a sign of His fatherly love. This doesn't feel loving but I am choosing to believe that it is. That I won't be crushed, that I will come through, that there will be a new season with new mercies on the other side.
But this week was better, emotionally. I know that she will not be this dependent and fussy forever. That also means that she won't be this tiny and cute forever, either, so I'm trying really hard to enjoy that aspect of newborn-hood while it lasts. Even when she screams inconsolably and we don't know what to do and I'm crying because I cannot imagine ever sleeping again.
There have been very, very sweet times as well. Like when she has been crying but then she gets snuggled up on my shoulder and kind of hiccups herself to sleep. Or when she is wide awake and peaceful, and she looks up at me and I talk to her, and it almost seems as if she is listening. Or when she is nursing and grabs my finger and just won't let go.
I love my little girl. I didn't know motherhood would be this hard. I didn't know I could ever feel this tired . . . and still care for a baby. I didn't know I would fight this strongly against God's will for my life. I didn't know so many things.
But I love her so much.
Also, much as I did during pregnancy, I have hit the point of being tired. of. food. I mean, it's all totally delicious and I love eating in theory, but really? Two breakfasts and a snack and lunch and three more snacks and dinner and another snack? This is getting old. I guess nursing really does require a ton of calories, because I am eating like a horse and still losing weight. Weird.
No links. Baby has eaten my brain. Back next week, perhaps . . .
-Jared upon forgetting something regarding carseats
"Yeah, a screech owl."
-upon my calling Ellie a night owl
---
Life with Ellie: I think the exact same lessons that God was teaching me through difficulties with my skin (which, by the way, has been a lot better since Ellie was born) are continuing right on through the newborn stage. Embracing joy in the moment and not worrying about what might happen in the future. Accepting my weakness. Believing that God knows where I am and that he cares deeply for me . . . and for Ellie.
It's been tough. Not gonna pretend. Those people who told me that childbirth was the hardest thing I'd ever do? Liars. This is a thousand times harder. I feel as if I am being broken-- which I am-- broken of my pride and selfishness and anxiety. I keep remembering that in Hebrews, we're told not to despise the Lord's discipline because it is a sign of His fatherly love. This doesn't feel loving but I am choosing to believe that it is. That I won't be crushed, that I will come through, that there will be a new season with new mercies on the other side.
There have been very, very sweet times as well. Like when she has been crying but then she gets snuggled up on my shoulder and kind of hiccups herself to sleep. Or when she is wide awake and peaceful, and she looks up at me and I talk to her, and it almost seems as if she is listening. Or when she is nursing and grabs my finger and just won't let go.
I love my little girl. I didn't know motherhood would be this hard. I didn't know I could ever feel this tired . . . and still care for a baby. I didn't know I would fight this strongly against God's will for my life. I didn't know so many things.
But I love her so much.
Also, much as I did during pregnancy, I have hit the point of being tired. of. food. I mean, it's all totally delicious and I love eating in theory, but really? Two breakfasts and a snack and lunch and three more snacks and dinner and another snack? This is getting old. I guess nursing really does require a ton of calories, because I am eating like a horse and still losing weight. Weird.
No links. Baby has eaten my brain. Back next week, perhaps . . .
Oh, Rebekah. You're completely right. People act as if childbirth is the difficult part, but then you get a sweet new bundle of rainbows and puppy-dog smiles, so it's all worth it. You don't hear a lot about what you're supposed to do after childbirth when things only get harder, leaving you no time to recover from the supposedly "hard" part. The link I'm including was really helpful to me, at least to know I wasn't alone (language warning). You are in my prayers. Kiss that sweet fuzzy head for me. :)
ReplyDelete-Sarah Petrie
http://www.renegademothering.com/2013/02/09/i-became-a-mother-and-died-to-live/
Aww. Rebekah, this post made me smile. Mostly because I am so happy you have a baby!! I can't believe I haven't met her yet!! Can't wait to see the sweet little sausage.
ReplyDeleteThe crying part gets better...then worse again...then better...then worse. I guess it helped me to hear that I can't love on my baby too much, and even when he's inconsolable, he'll still learn to love and trust us. It's hard, but it's worth it.
ReplyDeleteMiss our Tuesday lunches together, but love hearing a window into your life and heart through your blog. As you feel stretched beyond ability, remember you are God's sweet dependent child just like Ellie is your's. You're not alone. Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job at accepting your weakness, leaning on the Lord, and enjoying your baby. You will be a great mom, Rebekah!
ReplyDeleteBeen awhile since I've looked at your blog, Rebekah, and was pretty thrilled this afternoon to find that your little one has arrived! Congratulations! That first month is such an arduous and precious time... no words. XOXO.
ReplyDelete