"That thought is an alien invader into my common sense universe."
-Jared upon forgetting something regarding carseats
"Yeah, a screech owl."
-upon my calling Ellie a night owl
---
Life with Ellie: I think the exact same lessons that God was teaching me through difficulties with my skin (which, by the way, has been a lot better since Ellie was born) are continuing right on through the newborn stage. Embracing joy in the moment and not worrying about what might happen in the future. Accepting my weakness. Believing that God knows where I am and that he cares deeply for me . . . and for Ellie.
It's been tough. Not gonna pretend. Those people who told me that childbirth was the hardest thing I'd ever do? Liars. This is a thousand times harder. I feel as if I am being broken-- which I am-- broken of my pride and selfishness and anxiety. I keep remembering that in Hebrews, we're told not to despise the Lord's discipline because it is a sign of His fatherly love. This doesn't feel loving but I am choosing to believe that it is. That I won't be crushed, that I will come through, that there will be a new season with new mercies on the other side.
But this week was better, emotionally. I know that she will not be this dependent and fussy forever. That also means that she won't be this tiny and cute forever, either, so I'm trying really hard to enjoy that aspect of newborn-hood while it lasts. Even when she screams inconsolably and we don't know what to do and I'm crying because I cannot imagine ever sleeping again.
There have been very, very sweet times as well. Like when she has been crying but then she gets snuggled up on my shoulder and kind of hiccups herself to sleep. Or when she is wide awake and peaceful, and she looks up at me and I talk to her, and it almost seems as if she is listening. Or when she is nursing and grabs my finger and just won't let go.
I love my little girl. I didn't know motherhood would be this hard. I didn't know I could ever feel this tired . . . and still care for a baby. I didn't know I would fight this strongly against God's will for my life. I didn't know so many things.
But I love her so much.
Also, much as I did during pregnancy, I have hit the point of being tired. of. food. I mean, it's all totally delicious and I love eating in theory, but really? Two breakfasts and a snack and lunch and three more snacks and dinner and another snack? This is getting old. I guess nursing really does require a ton of calories, because I am eating like a horse and still losing weight. Weird.
No links. Baby has eaten my brain. Back next week, perhaps . . .
-Jared upon forgetting something regarding carseats
"Yeah, a screech owl."
-upon my calling Ellie a night owl
---
Life with Ellie: I think the exact same lessons that God was teaching me through difficulties with my skin (which, by the way, has been a lot better since Ellie was born) are continuing right on through the newborn stage. Embracing joy in the moment and not worrying about what might happen in the future. Accepting my weakness. Believing that God knows where I am and that he cares deeply for me . . . and for Ellie.
It's been tough. Not gonna pretend. Those people who told me that childbirth was the hardest thing I'd ever do? Liars. This is a thousand times harder. I feel as if I am being broken-- which I am-- broken of my pride and selfishness and anxiety. I keep remembering that in Hebrews, we're told not to despise the Lord's discipline because it is a sign of His fatherly love. This doesn't feel loving but I am choosing to believe that it is. That I won't be crushed, that I will come through, that there will be a new season with new mercies on the other side.
There have been very, very sweet times as well. Like when she has been crying but then she gets snuggled up on my shoulder and kind of hiccups herself to sleep. Or when she is wide awake and peaceful, and she looks up at me and I talk to her, and it almost seems as if she is listening. Or when she is nursing and grabs my finger and just won't let go.
I love my little girl. I didn't know motherhood would be this hard. I didn't know I could ever feel this tired . . . and still care for a baby. I didn't know I would fight this strongly against God's will for my life. I didn't know so many things.
But I love her so much.
Also, much as I did during pregnancy, I have hit the point of being tired. of. food. I mean, it's all totally delicious and I love eating in theory, but really? Two breakfasts and a snack and lunch and three more snacks and dinner and another snack? This is getting old. I guess nursing really does require a ton of calories, because I am eating like a horse and still losing weight. Weird.
No links. Baby has eaten my brain. Back next week, perhaps . . .
