someday I will have it all

Someday I will have exactly what I want, because what I have will be the only thing I want.

Come again?

Oh, I'm thinking of heaven, as I often do.

This past week was a tough one. I found out that two of my friends are pregnant, both announcements hard to swallow. My immediate temptation was to scream, "Seriously, God? Seriously? Somebody else receives my desire, one more time? I have to wait, one more time? The blade drives a little deeper, one more time? Why can't you give me this thing I want so desperately? YOU. ARE. UNKIND." And I did scream that, inside my head, for a while. Rolling in the mire of angered grief and refusing to receive comfort.

Then this came to mind: someday I will have exactly what I want, because what I have will be the only thing I want.

{Gustave Dore: "Empyrean" from The Divine Comedy}

Though rather than "what," I ought to say "who." In that blessed someday, Christ will fill my vision and there will be no room for sorrow. I am hanging on to that hope. It makes my disappointments weaker, smaller. The shadow of eternity falls back over today, and I realize today is merely a preparation for glory.

This post from Ann Voskamp, the story of the White Horse, helped me a great deal. "My focus need only be on Him, to only faithfully see His Word, to wholly obey. Therein is the tree of life . . . God's only up to good work."

Despite my spiteful accusations, I know God is indeed kind, and so is His plan. My complaints fly smack in the face of His promises, the grace He's poured out on me thus far and will in days to come. I'm full of rebellion when I should be full of faith.

"And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" (Luke 11:5-13)

In Christ's trustworthy words I discover that when I ask, seek, and knock, God vows to give, reveal, and open. He doesn't state what the gift or revelation will be, or where that opened door will lead. It may be precisely what I prayed for. It may not. Either way He will be waiting on the other side. He'll give me a sustaining hand, and I'll keep walking toward the light.

That is what matters in this life. His presence, not the things I demand.

I do struggle to sort through the desires crowding my heart. Some are good, I know, yet can still become distractions. ("Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.") I feel awfully muddled about what I want, and why. Thank God that someday I'll toss out this dim glass and see clearly. I'll see Him.

After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!”

And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures, and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, saying, “Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever and ever! Amen . . .”

They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore;

the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat.

For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd,

and he will guide them to springs of living water,

and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.”  (from Revelation 10)

Someday.