51 Weeks [in which there is love]

So anyway, this went on for a while. Jared doing his best (which was quite a bit) to win my heart, me trying to relax (not my most notable talent). We went to church and family functions together, did a lot of "everyday life" things together, and got into a rhythm on Wednesdays: I would come to his house and cook dinner, then we would go to our church's young adults small group.

Everything felt more natural now, as we meshed in ways we never had before, and the emotional awkwardness disappeared as we both felt more free to express how much we liked one another. Days when I didn't talk to Jared felt somehow flat. I was loving it.

Late one August evening-- it must have been a Wednesday-- driving home from young adults' group in the still summer dark, I asked myself The Question. It was the one I had been asking myself all summer. What if Jared and I were to break up? Could I do it? Whenever I had considered this before, I had felt a sort of peace about that possibility. My answer would be yes, I could do it. Sure I would be sad, but nothing would be irreparably torn. There had been no love to multiply the pain.

So I asked myself once more. What if Jared and I were to break up? Could I do it?

The suddenness of the response, its uncompromising clarity, punched the air from my lungs.

NO.

I clutched the steering wheel, unable to breath for a moment, unable to think for a moment more. Then again the answer came: NO WAY. Stunned, I vibrated between panic and joy, afraid to examine my heart further for fear I'd lapse into doubt again. But this time the answer was unmistakable. If we were to separate? If I had to say goodbye? If my future didn't include him? Oh God, I would feel like part of me had died, I truly would. My chest hurt just thinking about it. I had never wanted anything as much as I wanted to be Jared's wife at that moment. This is from you, isn't it? What I asked for? Love without any doubts?
  
It was. Just like the beginning of our courtship, when I felt absolutely certain of my answer and had no need to reason myself into a conclusion, I had fallen smack into another absolute certainty: I loved Jared and I wanted to marry him. Fin. And I never asked myself The Question again.

My mom always told me that when I fell in love, I would know it. She was-- as usual-- right.