26 June 2013

that's what he said

chomp on daddy
As per request, here are all of Jared's conversational gems from the past year-ish. Categorized and everything.

Concerning His Wife

"No, I'm not going to stop making fun of you. It's one of my principal pleasures in life."

"You are expensive. But I still love you."

"Well, it's a lot easier for you to sound condescending than it is for other people."

"Aww, do you feel as bad as you look?"

"Well, I didn't need a binder full of women to find you."

"If you're such a smartypants, why don't you know about cashews?"

"You're very convenient to have around."

"You're so fat, I can't even shut the car door!"

"I think you would like being a partridge."

"You're the best wife I've ever had."

"I love you even more than bacon."

"Babe, why do you have a big bag of weed in the kitchen?"

"You must be a camel."

"So your finger is like a gateway drug."

"You are my delicate chain-smoking flower."

Concerning His Child

"It's rather blobby."

"When it's crying in the middle of the night, I will call it your baby. When it's being really cute I will call it my baby."

"Yep, you're our little bundle of joy . . . and crying and pooping."

"I do not think the chiropractor would approve of that position."

"It's basically impossible to not take a cute picture of you."

"You are a hiccup machine!"

"Yeah, [she is a] screech owl."

"That's what daddies are for: to irritate their little girls."

"Ellie, soon you will be so old you can apply for your NAACP card!"

"Hey! Did your mom tell you to [spit up all over me]?!"

"You know, she really looks like Jabba the Hutt in there."

"Ellie, what are you going to do with all your chins?"

"Don't worry, she can't go anywhere-- she's in the halfpipe."

"Hey! No TV until you're thirteen!"

Concerning Food

"People at work ask me if you're a gourmet chef or something, because I'm always bringing such amazing things in for lunch."

"I have a new rule: quiche must always contain bacon."

"I know! You can do the dishes while I eat ice cream and brownies. Don't I have good ideas?"

"Do you want some dark chocolate? You need your anti-accidents for the day."

Concerning Himself

"If I were Matthew MacConaughey, I wouldn't have this problem."

"If this real estate thing doesn't work out, I can always go be the yeoman of somebody's cellars."

"I’ve made up my mind. I’m voting for Antoine Dodson, all seats."

"Hold on a minute. I'm trying to figure out how to turn that into a compliment."

"That's me, Mr. Mom."

"That thought is an alien invader into my common sense universe."

"Urgh. Me caveman. Where my woman?"

Concerning Everything Else

"Okay, here's what should happen. Rick Santorum should win and then appoint Mitt Romney as Secretary of State, Ron Paul as Chairman of the Fed, and Newt Gingrich as Press Secretary."

"I think Paula Deen looks like Miss Piggy."

"Reverence for church meetings is a Belgian ale."

"These are the Visigoth grandmas. They sit around knitting things and playing Tiddlywinks."

"Stupid post office. Off with its head!"

"Hmmm. If I was an apron, where would I be?"

"No, we followed the Jared method [not the Bradley method]."

"We will choose plan number C."

"Listen, Ellie. Your mom is good at words and cooking. Not math."


Me: I've had enough sad and serious for today.
Jared: There's always Napoleon Dynamite . . .
Me: NO.
Jared: Well, it's not sad or serious!
Me: It's really dumb!
Jared: You're really dumb.

Jared: Do we have any ice cream?
Me: You cannot eat ice cream right now!
Jared: You're disrupting my kingdom.

Me (melodramatically): But seriously, babe. Do you think I'm pretty?
Jared (straight-facedly): Nope. Not pretty. Ugly! You are so ugly. I like ugly girls, and that's why I married you, because you were the ugliest one I could find. Ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly. . .

Me: What are you doing rummaging through the fridge?
Jared: Looking for something to drink with rum.

Me: I guess it doesn't matter if you're English or Amish . . .
Jared: Everybody wanna pimp out their ride.

Jared: When we install the new cabinets we have to measure the space is between the radiator and . . . um . . . you know, the other thing.
Me: Wall?
Jared: Right. The part you can't walk past.

Me: I like the name Genevieve.
Jared: How would you spell that?
Me: G-E-N-E-V-I-E-V-E. And I like Eliza too.
Jared: How would you spell that?
Me: With an E. I also like Rose.
Jared: How would you spell--
Jared: hahahaha

Me: I look so fat.
Jared: You're pregnant. You're supposed to look fat.
Me: Simon sent me some Youtube video, because apparently everyone has seen it but I haven't. Whatever.
Jared: What video would that be?
Me: I think it's called Gangnam Style.
Jared: Babe. Everyone has seen that. 

Me: You need anything at the grocery store?
Jared: Booze.

Friend: So Jared, what do you do?
Me: He keeps me sane.
Jared: Yeah, it's a full-time position.


  1. I hate to say it, but I think he might be funnier than my husband. I think it was Anthony Esolen who says that husbands should perform the service for their wives of making them laugh.

  2. You have convinced me that I need to start keeping trak of the funny things Alex says...