04 June 2012

someday I will have it all

Someday I will have exactly what I want, because what I have will be the only thing I want.

Come again?

Oh, I'm thinking of heaven, as I often do.

This past week was a tough one. I found out that two of my friends are pregnant, both announcements hard to swallow. My immediate temptation was to scream, "Seriously, God? Seriously? Somebody else receives my desire, one more time? I have to wait, one more time? The blade drives a little deeper, one more time? Why can't you give me this thing I want so desperately? YOU. ARE. UNKIND." And I did scream that, inside my head, for a while. Rolling in the mire of angered grief and refusing to receive comfort.

Then this came to mind: someday I will have exactly what I want, because what I have will be the only thing I want.

{Gustave Dore: "Empyrean" from The Divine Comedy}
Though rather than "what," I ought to say "who." In that blessed someday, Christ will fill my vision and there will be no room for sorrow. I am hanging on to that hope. It makes my disappointments weaker, smaller. The shadow of eternity falls back over today, and I realize today is merely a preparation for glory.

This post from Ann Voskamp, the story of the White Horse, helped me a great deal. "My focus need only be on Him, to only faithfully see His Word, to wholly obey. Therein is the tree of life . . . God's only up to good work."

Despite my spiteful accusations, I know God is indeed kind, and so is His plan. My complaints fly smack in the face of His promises, the grace He's poured out on me thus far and will in days to come. I'm full of rebellion when I should be full of faith.
"And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" (Luke 11:5-13)
In Christ's trustworthy words I discover that when I ask, seek, and knock, God vows to give, reveal, and open. He doesn't state what the gift or revelation will be, or where that opened door will lead. It may be precisely what I prayed for. It may not. Either way He will be waiting on the other side. He'll give me a sustaining hand, and I'll keep walking toward the light.

That is what matters in this life. His presence, not the things I demand.

I do struggle to sort through the desires crowding my heart. Some are good, I know, yet can still become distractions. ("Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.") I feel awfully muddled about what I want, and why. Thank God that someday I'll toss out this dim glass and see clearly. I'll see Him.
After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!”
And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures, and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, saying, “Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever and ever! Amen . . .”

They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore;
the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd,
and he will guide them to springs of living water,
and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.”  (from Revelation 10)


  1. Dear Rebekah, maybe you want to delete this post after reading it since it might be too personal (I did not find your email address). I have been following your story every day since it was available through YLCF and I (almost 35 ys, not married and no great guy in sight) truly think: Get over it, move on. Praying is not a reward strategy even if the bible says sth. like it in Luke 11. You did not fail nor did your prayers fail to reach HIM if you do not get pregnant. And maybe there is no plan? We little human beings think: God, the creator has to have a plan, an answer to all our hopes because it just has to be like that. Maybe it's just biology (oh yes, that could be God's plan, too ...). What if your gynecologist/doctor finds out that there is some biological reason for you or Jared not to have babies - is that than God's plan, too? You got so many talents, could inspire so many more people than one baby, so focus on those gifts blessing you right NOW. Best wishes, Kristy

  2. Dear Kristy,

    Thanks for your thoughts. Hopefully I don't come across as "whiny" on my blog; I am trying to be honest but simultaneously express faith. I find it interesting that you felt the need to point out that prayer is not a "reward strategy" (i.e. God is not a gumball machine) because that is exactly what I attempted to say in my post. :) I don't believe that if I ask for a baby, God is obligated to give me one. I do believe that He will answer my prayers in SOME way, however, and that way will be the best way. Right now He is answering this way: "Wait. I have good things for you today. Open your eyes to see them and find your joy in me."

    The main idea in this post was how the hope of heaven--where every desire WILL be fulfilled in Christ--gives me strength as I struggle to bring my current desires under His lordship. Not to state that I think God must give us children, and that if He doesn't, something has gone terribly wrong. Like I said, His presence with me is what matters, not how many (other) good gifts I receive.

    After all, God's plan may very well include my not getting pregnant. I would grieve over that, but He's teaching me to rest in Him no matter what. I absolutely believe that He has everything under control even when my little human mind cannot comprehend it.

    I don't plan to "get over this" in the sense of giving up on my desire, or ceasing to pray for it. But yes, I want to grow in contentment as I wait. One way I can do that is by focusing on the opportunities I have, as you said. God's been nudging me in that direction the past couple of months. I appreciate your encouragement to focus on how I can use my talents now.

    Have a great week and thanks again for your input.


  3. Oh, Rebekah. That must hurt so much. I wish I could say something to make it feel better. All I can think of are silly comments ("You can have Ransom any time!") or bromides ("All things work together...").

    I struggle when hearing other people's good news not about having new babies, but about career triumphs. I know, my pet sin is more foolish than yours because children are so much more important than a Wall Streel Journal article.

    The best comfort I find when faced with gross injustice is to consider the cross. Jesus knows your sorrows. There is joy for you at the end of this race. You are not forgotten.

    I think this post reflects that you know this, but I thought it may be a small gesture to repeat these truths back to you.